3/12/14

Dear Diary,

I have some big news. I am 21 months old and have been potty trained for the past 3 months!

Oh, did I mention ONLY AT SCHOOL? You didn’t think I would actually demonstrate this ability at home, did you?! Yep, I consistently go #1 AND #2 everyday at school now. I even ask to go. But I refuse to show Mommy at home. That’s just how I roll (see: didn’t walk at home for several weeks after I did it at school).

Also, we now have pets! They are called “deer” and they often are in our back yard eating some plants. I love them, and I admit I do get upset when they aren’t there. Somehow yelling “deer!” doesn’t magically make them appear. I must fix that.

And now, here is a list of reasons why Mommy and Daddy are monsters*:

-          They keep me confined to a cage at night. Everyone else is free to leave their rooms.

-          I am not allowed to lay down and have a tantrum on the driveway.

-          They act like they can’t understand me. I understand everything I am saying!

-          I am forced to wear a diaper ALL DAY. I just want to be free.

-          They won’t let me stand on the couch.

-          I’m not permitted to open the fridge and stare at its contents for hours.

-          Naps. I’ve explicitly told them I’m not interested. Yet naptime just keeps happening.

-          How can you serve me rice and NOT expect me to throw it everywhere?

-          They are really strict about seatbelts. Like, every time we drive somewhere they must wrestle me into them.

-          They don’t like to share their smartphones. I have people to call, plans to make!

However, they are pretty awesome most of the time. Lately I love to repeat “Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy”.  And I like to dance to “Happy”. Who doesn’t?!

Hugs, kisses, and hair-tugging….

XOXO

Baby Zoey

*Credit: Kylie contributed to this list last night in a bedtime-snuggling-fit-of-giggles. Mommy couldn’t be prouder.

11/26/13

Dear Diary,

Mommy is so cute. She thinks she can try to control my early wakeup time. I prefer 5am. What’s the big deal? Here is a list of things Mommy has tried, and I can tell you without a doubt they do NOT work:

-       Putting me to bed early

-       Putting me to bed late

-       Dressing me in extra warm pjs

-       Dressing me in light pjs

-       Giving me a pillow and extra blankets

-       Tiptoeing in at 9pm to re-tuck my blankets

-       Not coming in to check on me at 9pmfor fear of superstition

-       Keeping a fan on for white noise

-       Keeping the room really dark (haha, the sun doesn’t arrive until MUCH later)

-       Researching on the internet and/or polling every parent you’ve ever met

-       Praying

-       Bitching, moaning, or complaining

-       Negotiating

-       The reverse psychology method of telling yourself how much you enjoy not using an alarm clock

-       Avoiding getting me out of bed earlier than 6am because you’ve read that you could accidentally train your toddler to wake up even earlier if you respond

-       Bringing me into your bed

-       Quietly snuggling anywhere in the house

-       Alcohol (for Mommy, not me)

-       Going to bed really early, in preparation for a 5am wakeup (you will either toss and turn for hours, or I will start waking up at 4am. I’m good with either choice).

-       Waking me up at 2am to play an aggressive game of Ring Around the Rosie for ½ an hour….oh wait, Mommy hasn’t tried that one yet. Can we do that tonight??

 XOXO,

Baby Zoey

11/4/13

Dear Diary,

Mommy and Daddy took me and Kylie trick or treating. Apparently you walk around for a really long time for no apparent reason. I didn't understand this tradition, and couldn't decide what I wanted to do: walk, ride in the wagon, let Mommy hold me, or just cry for the f*** of it...so I did it all, and mixed it up throughout the evening. I like to keep 'em on their toes. The highlight of the night was when Mommy gave me M&Ms in the wagon. SCORE!

OK, so everyone knows that I am officially a Walker (not to be confused with a cast member of the Walking Dead....which I've seen on Netflix, because "babies love Netflix" - that's a "thing", right?). It feels so freeing to be out of the walking closet, like I'm meant to be on my feet. It feels like Desitin-y (ha, see what I did there?).

But a girl needs secrets. So here's the next secret: I can talk. I just refuse to say Mama, Mommy, or generally anything in reference to my egg donor. I CAN say it, but I'm holding out.

Here is the list of words I am currently speaking:

Dada
Ka (Kylie)
Doggy
Thank you
Shoe
Shoe Fell Off (my teacher ratted me out with this one)
A dissertation on climate change
Yeah

But for now, mum's the word. Ha, see what I did THERE?!

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

10/10/13

Dear Diary,

I am officially out of the walk-in closet....and am walking (practically running) in Mommy's full view. And she took a video of me walking and outed me to the whole world (Facebook is The Whole World, right?). Sigh. On to master-minding my next plot. One of these days she will leave the gate to the stairs open again and the 2nd floor will be all mine...bhahahaha!

Mommy took me somewhere strange this morning, and Kylie came along for the ride. Several ladies poked, prodded, and measured me. I really didn't mind until one b***h attacked my sister in the arm. Mommy actually had to hold Kylie down, and then gave her a lollipop afterwards. I felt my lip tremble and was about to produce a boo lip in sympathy when I realized "eh, better her than me." And that's when she attacked me. Three times in the leg. Who DOES that??

Here's a hoot: Mommy recently mentioned that she had a dinner party with her mommy friends when Kylie was my age, and Rosie+Vincent'sMom admired how clean the highchair was. Apparently Mommy didn't understand what she was talking about. SHE DOES NOW! I really hope we're having couscous tonight.

More later....drooly wet kisses!

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

9/25/13

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since I've written an installment. Mostly because I used to do all my creative thinking during night time feedings, and I am just too sleepy at night to wake up to eat. These days I prefer to binge all day and go to bed early. Some people call this "Sunday Funday". I call it life.

So I have a confession to make: I have been walking behind Mommy's back. Yep. At almost 16 months old I have been crawling, scooting, cruising, and holding onto Mommy's hands to walk for nearly 6 months. I took a step by myself once in her presence and quickly realized what I was doing and "fell" on my butt. But yesterday my daycare teacher blurted out to Mommy that I took 6 steps all by myself on the playground. WhatTheFormula?! Whose side is she on? Mommy does not need to know what I do in my spare time.

Why do I refuse to walk in front of Mommy? This is a complicated question. For one, it's just plain fun to hold onto Mommy's hands and hear her complain about her back. And two, let's not forget the recent Jihad on Binkies. Mommy makes me throw my binky back in the crib every morning now and I can't have it during the day, which is totally unfair. In all fairness, I do forget about it as soon as we go downstairs, but STILL.

In other news, I have a whole lot of teeth now. I don't know exactly how many because, frankly, I can't count. But Mommy says my smile is adorable. Of course it is :) I'm also a semi-vegetarian. I can spit out chicken like no other and prefer veggies. But cook me a turkey dog or some ham, and I'm all over it. Actually, put pretty much any food on Kylie or Daddy's plate, and I am all about it. It's just so much tastier when it's someone else's food.

Oh, earlier this week Kylie was spinning around in some weird game of hers, and we knocked our heads. Kylie cried hysterically so I cried hysterically, each of us challenging each other to be louder and more dramatic. As we both buried our heads into Mommy's lap, creating a pool of tears, I think I heard Mommy trying to hold back...laughter?! Gee, thanks Mom.

Well, that's about all for now. Drool on ya later.
XOXO,
Baby Zoey

2/19/13

Dear Diary,

Over the weekend I met my newest cousin, Norah. She mostly slept (ah, newbies!), but she is very f***ing cute. Mommy seemed to enjoy holding Norah. She even changed her diaper (um, give the kid some privacy??). I was ok with that....but it's a good thing Daddy had a cold and didn't hold the baby, or there'd be a family feud. And I'm pretty sure I have more teeth than Norah. Just sayin...'. But all's well. I can't wait for Norah to learn how to play with me. We are gonna tear up the joint!

I showed off my babbling to Aunt Mandy and Uncle Rob. They seemed impressed. Very impressed. Too bad they didn't understand that I was yelling "freshmeat!" in regards to the bambino.

Aunt Mandy and Uncle Rob have the coolest toy ever. It's called a dog. I love him, and I wish he would lick my fingers forever!

After seeing Norah sleep so much during the day, I got a little jealous...why does she get to sleep whenever she wants, while I am bound to some archaic "schedule", mostly at night? So I showed 'em that I still GOT IT....and woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Just because I can. 'Sup.

But I rewarded Mommy and Daddy by sleeping almost the entire car ride home, and woke up to Daddy sitting next to me...my dreams come true!

What a great weekend. Hopefully I can haze my other newbie cousin this weekend.

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

12/23/12

Dear Diary,

I've discovered how fun it is to throw toys on the floor from my highchair. Do you think it's weird that Mommy doesn't bother to wash them each time? Also, I want a give a shout out to something new I tried this weekend: Squash! Mmmm...it takes so good when it hits your lips!

XOXO,
Baby Zoey