11/26/13

Dear Diary,

Mommy is so cute. She thinks she can try to control my early wakeup time. I prefer 5am. What’s the big deal? Here is a list of things Mommy has tried, and I can tell you without a doubt they do NOT work:

-       Putting me to bed early

-       Putting me to bed late

-       Dressing me in extra warm pjs

-       Dressing me in light pjs

-       Giving me a pillow and extra blankets

-       Tiptoeing in at 9pm to re-tuck my blankets

-       Not coming in to check on me at 9pmfor fear of superstition

-       Keeping a fan on for white noise

-       Keeping the room really dark (haha, the sun doesn’t arrive until MUCH later)

-       Researching on the internet and/or polling every parent you’ve ever met

-       Praying

-       Bitching, moaning, or complaining

-       Negotiating

-       The reverse psychology method of telling yourself how much you enjoy not using an alarm clock

-       Avoiding getting me out of bed earlier than 6am because you’ve read that you could accidentally train your toddler to wake up even earlier if you respond

-       Bringing me into your bed

-       Quietly snuggling anywhere in the house

-       Alcohol (for Mommy, not me)

-       Going to bed really early, in preparation for a 5am wakeup (you will either toss and turn for hours, or I will start waking up at 4am. I’m good with either choice).

-       Waking me up at 2am to play an aggressive game of Ring Around the Rosie for ½ an hour….oh wait, Mommy hasn’t tried that one yet. Can we do that tonight??

 XOXO,

Baby Zoey

11/4/13

Dear Diary,

Mommy and Daddy took me and Kylie trick or treating. Apparently you walk around for a really long time for no apparent reason. I didn't understand this tradition, and couldn't decide what I wanted to do: walk, ride in the wagon, let Mommy hold me, or just cry for the f*** of it...so I did it all, and mixed it up throughout the evening. I like to keep 'em on their toes. The highlight of the night was when Mommy gave me M&Ms in the wagon. SCORE!

OK, so everyone knows that I am officially a Walker (not to be confused with a cast member of the Walking Dead....which I've seen on Netflix, because "babies love Netflix" - that's a "thing", right?). It feels so freeing to be out of the walking closet, like I'm meant to be on my feet. It feels like Desitin-y (ha, see what I did there?).

But a girl needs secrets. So here's the next secret: I can talk. I just refuse to say Mama, Mommy, or generally anything in reference to my egg donor. I CAN say it, but I'm holding out.

Here is the list of words I am currently speaking:

Dada
Ka (Kylie)
Doggy
Thank you
Shoe
Shoe Fell Off (my teacher ratted me out with this one)
A dissertation on climate change
Yeah

But for now, mum's the word. Ha, see what I did THERE?!

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

10/10/13

Dear Diary,

I am officially out of the walk-in closet....and am walking (practically running) in Mommy's full view. And she took a video of me walking and outed me to the whole world (Facebook is The Whole World, right?). Sigh. On to master-minding my next plot. One of these days she will leave the gate to the stairs open again and the 2nd floor will be all mine...bhahahaha!

Mommy took me somewhere strange this morning, and Kylie came along for the ride. Several ladies poked, prodded, and measured me. I really didn't mind until one b***h attacked my sister in the arm. Mommy actually had to hold Kylie down, and then gave her a lollipop afterwards. I felt my lip tremble and was about to produce a boo lip in sympathy when I realized "eh, better her than me." And that's when she attacked me. Three times in the leg. Who DOES that??

Here's a hoot: Mommy recently mentioned that she had a dinner party with her mommy friends when Kylie was my age, and Rosie+Vincent'sMom admired how clean the highchair was. Apparently Mommy didn't understand what she was talking about. SHE DOES NOW! I really hope we're having couscous tonight.

More later....drooly wet kisses!

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

9/25/13

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since I've written an installment. Mostly because I used to do all my creative thinking during night time feedings, and I am just too sleepy at night to wake up to eat. These days I prefer to binge all day and go to bed early. Some people call this "Sunday Funday". I call it life.

So I have a confession to make: I have been walking behind Mommy's back. Yep. At almost 16 months old I have been crawling, scooting, cruising, and holding onto Mommy's hands to walk for nearly 6 months. I took a step by myself once in her presence and quickly realized what I was doing and "fell" on my butt. But yesterday my daycare teacher blurted out to Mommy that I took 6 steps all by myself on the playground. WhatTheFormula?! Whose side is she on? Mommy does not need to know what I do in my spare time.

Why do I refuse to walk in front of Mommy? This is a complicated question. For one, it's just plain fun to hold onto Mommy's hands and hear her complain about her back. And two, let's not forget the recent Jihad on Binkies. Mommy makes me throw my binky back in the crib every morning now and I can't have it during the day, which is totally unfair. In all fairness, I do forget about it as soon as we go downstairs, but STILL.

In other news, I have a whole lot of teeth now. I don't know exactly how many because, frankly, I can't count. But Mommy says my smile is adorable. Of course it is :) I'm also a semi-vegetarian. I can spit out chicken like no other and prefer veggies. But cook me a turkey dog or some ham, and I'm all over it. Actually, put pretty much any food on Kylie or Daddy's plate, and I am all about it. It's just so much tastier when it's someone else's food.

Oh, earlier this week Kylie was spinning around in some weird game of hers, and we knocked our heads. Kylie cried hysterically so I cried hysterically, each of us challenging each other to be louder and more dramatic. As we both buried our heads into Mommy's lap, creating a pool of tears, I think I heard Mommy trying to hold back...laughter?! Gee, thanks Mom.

Well, that's about all for now. Drool on ya later.
XOXO,
Baby Zoey

2/19/13

Dear Diary,

Over the weekend I met my newest cousin, Norah. She mostly slept (ah, newbies!), but she is very f***ing cute. Mommy seemed to enjoy holding Norah. She even changed her diaper (um, give the kid some privacy??). I was ok with that....but it's a good thing Daddy had a cold and didn't hold the baby, or there'd be a family feud. And I'm pretty sure I have more teeth than Norah. Just sayin...'. But all's well. I can't wait for Norah to learn how to play with me. We are gonna tear up the joint!

I showed off my babbling to Aunt Mandy and Uncle Rob. They seemed impressed. Very impressed. Too bad they didn't understand that I was yelling "freshmeat!" in regards to the bambino.

Aunt Mandy and Uncle Rob have the coolest toy ever. It's called a dog. I love him, and I wish he would lick my fingers forever!

After seeing Norah sleep so much during the day, I got a little jealous...why does she get to sleep whenever she wants, while I am bound to some archaic "schedule", mostly at night? So I showed 'em that I still GOT IT....and woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Just because I can. 'Sup.

But I rewarded Mommy and Daddy by sleeping almost the entire car ride home, and woke up to Daddy sitting next to me...my dreams come true!

What a great weekend. Hopefully I can haze my other newbie cousin this weekend.

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

12/23/12

Dear Diary,

I've discovered how fun it is to throw toys on the floor from my highchair. Do you think it's weird that Mommy doesn't bother to wash them each time? Also, I want a give a shout out to something new I tried this weekend: Squash! Mmmm...it takes so good when it hits your lips!

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

11/28/12

Dear Diary,

Aaaa-aaa--lalalaa-aaaa, ooohhh, aaaahhh.

Yep, still got it. Cuter than ever.
...
xoxo,
Baby Zoey

11/4/12

Dear Diary,

"Fall back" is supposed to give us an extra hour of sleep. Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

xoxo,
Baby Zoey

10/25/12

Dear Diary,

Mommy sure likes to overanalyze! She needs to chill. Yes, I scream bloody murder when she puts me back in my crib after each night feeding. The reason is simple. No, I am not sick. My diaper is not soiled. I do not need to burp. I am not still hungry. I am just REALLY comfy in her arms. Why does she feel the need to disturb my slumber?? I mean, I don't walk over to her bed and f**k with her comforter or gazillion pillows, so why does she mess with how I prefer to sleep? (Note to self: learn how to walk so I can f**k with her comforter and gazillion pillows).

Yawn...I sure am sleepy today after all that crying. Good thing I get to take lots of naps. I'm sure Mommy gets in lots of naps at work, so I really don't understand her problem.

XOXO,
Baby Zoey

10/23/12

Dear Diary,

So my mommy went back to work a week ago. Here is a recap of the past week:

- I was sent to some boarding school for babies.
- I lost my appetite and fought sleep.
- I got a really bad rash and slight fever, and started screaming every night when mom and dad attempted to put me in my crib after each feeding.
- Just when I started to feel better on Sunday, they schleped me to some unknown destination in a long, white dress, and some stranger tried to give me a bath while I was sleeping. How rude.
- I slept well Sunday night (for the first time in a week), but gave 'em hell last night. Mommy ended up sleeping with me on the couch for 3 hours.

What a crazy week! I just never know what Mommy is going to do next--she's so funny. OMG, she's smiling at me right now! Got to go coo at her!

Love,
Baby Zoey

10/17/12

Dear Diary,

Yesterday Mommy left me somewhere ALL DAY. I decided to eat very little in protest. I mean, she even dressed up nice and put on makeup...and STRAIGHTENED her hair! Mommy NEVER does that for me.

She sure was eager to give me a bath last night...something about washing off the scent of the "other" woman?

... So I teamed up with Kylie last night to show her wassup. This is how it went down:

8pm: we both were seemingly asleep in our beds (insert evil laughter)
8:30pm: Kylie got up insisting she had to use the potty (but didn't go)
9:15: Kylie repeated (though actually went)
9:35: Just as Mommy had turned off the debate and drifted to sleep, Kylie came in the room to announce she wasn't sleepy (and was promptly escorted back to bed).
12:20am: I woke up to eat
2:50am: I woke up to eat
4:50am: yep...I woke up to eat!
5:30am: Kylie announced that she was no longer sleepy (Mommy escorted her back to bed, stating it was the middle of the night--what a hoot!)
6:30am: Yay! The whole family is up and ready for the day!

I'm sure Mommy will stay home with me today. Wait....did she just put on LIPSTICK?!

Til next time,
Baby Zoey

10/3/12

Dear Diary (installment #3),

I overheard Mommy say something about returning to work soon, and I will be going to "school." I'm not sure what all this means, but she seems a little sad about it. So I figured she'd want to cuddle with me a little extra, and I obliged by waking up THREE times to eat last night. Who's better than me?!

Drool on ya later,
Baby Zoey

9/26/12

Dear Diary (installment #2),

My Big Sister is trying to steal my thunder. She keeps waking up Mommy at night to use the potty, often right after I eat. Why can't she just go in her pants like I do?? Mommy praises her, but meanwhile won't talk to me when she feeds me at night. If I could stand up, I would stomp my feet and pout. So unfair.
In an effort to get some attention at night, I've figured out how to manuever a 180 turn in the crib, while remaining swaddled. Impressed? Yeah, I got the moves like Jagger.

Hugs and drools,
Baby Zoey

9/20/12

Dear Diary,

I'm getting the distinct feeling that Mommy and Daddy don't want to hang out with me at night. So weird. All day it's "you're so cute," "you're so pretty," "I love you so much," yadda yadda. But at night, they won't turn on the light, won't talk to me or look me in the eyes. They don't even change my diaper at night anymore unless there's poop. (Note to self - try to poop more at night...). They don't look entirely thrilled to push the pacifier into my mouth several times at night. WTF!? (That means What The Formula...I think).
Hmm..I guess I'll just have to keep calling out to them at night for more experimentation.
In other news...I am really close to getting my toes into my mouth. I'm not sure if they are as delicious as Mommy says, but I am determined to try. Will keep ya posted.

Til next time....Baby Zoey